Porsche 911 GT3, Unimog, Pontiac Solstice Coupe: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Look, I know I’m about as ADV Dork as people get. My go-to helmet is an Arai XD4, my favorite jacket is Klim, I ride a GS and have strong opinions about ankle protection offroad. There’s another side to my motorcycle enthusiasm, though, that’s far more embarrassing than any Starbucks adventure cosplay: I grew up on American Chopper.

Yes, I know, it’s cringe. The only thing worse than the show’s manufactured drama was the rider triangle of every bike that left West Coast Customs. Yet, I still have some small affinity somewhere in my brain for outrageously long bikes with big V-Twins beneath the tank. This Victory fits the bill.

You all know how much I love patina, but it’s not limited just to boxy old trucks — cars like this Chevy look just as good when covered in a fine layer of rust. This one may be pushing that definition, with genuine rot visible on parts of the car, but it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

The Chevy even almost runs, needing only a battery, condenser, and brake line to get back on its feet. Probably. Worst case scenario, you end up replacing a few more parts. That’s just a restomod, baby.

Pink is good. Pink Porsches are better. Pink Porsche 911s are better still, but a pink Porsche 911 GT3 may be the best car yet developed by human minds. If you can think of a better one, comment below.

Loud cars deserve loud colors, and while a 911 may be regarded as the subtle supercar — it’s certainly not as ostentatious as a Lamborghini, Ferrari, or the AutoZone’d-up C8s I see around the city — but that doesn’t mean it needs to be forced into a grayscale colorspace. Let it be pink.

Plenty of motorcycle manufacturers have tried to go after car buyers. Honda did it with the Cub, Piaggio did with the Vespa. The answer has generally been to make tiny, economical vehicles, but Harley-Davidson — in typical Harley fashion — did something slightly different.

This Servi-Car wasn’t just meant to replace cars, it was meant to replace tow trucks. The “Servi” points to the trike’s intended use in roadside repairs — just fill the bike with tools and head out to a service call.

The Z31 is, in a word, underappreciated. It’s not as pretty as the S30, sure, but it looks better than the S130 that preceded it. It’s no Z32, with those Lamborghini headlights, but it’s got more sharp angles than a 350Z. Hard ‘80s angles look good, who would’ve thought?

This Z may look like a deal, but it’s worth noting the car doesn’t seem to be sparking. Maybe you can fix it up and drive it home, or maybe you can’t. For $1,500, is it worth finding out?

I know we’ve covered an old Chevy already, but this is no rusted rat rod. This is a true hot rod, in the classical sense of the term — an ingot heated and formed into a rod, such that it may be further shaped into a blade. This is what Hot Rod means, I assume.

What this Chevy lacks in being a sword, it makes up for in engine and color. A 302 drives the car, while rack and pinion steering keeps it feeling at least a little modern.

Ducati really got into the retro-modern craze early, huh? The Scrambler line is one of the stalwart entrants in the segment, but those bikes weren’t Ducati’s first try at making old new again. No, that was the SportClassic.

These bikes are absolutely gorgeous, and can be hard to find given how cherished they seem to be. This one comes in under $9,000, by the skin of its teeth, making it affordable compared to some competition — downright cheap.

I like when someone takes an engine, and just builds the absolute minimum amount of Car around it. Who needs body panels, multiple seats, or a windshield when you’ve got power? What will you notice most when you put your foot down?

This sand rail still leaves some room to shrink on the table, though. It’s far too long, too tall, and even has a center console — clearly, the builder wasn’t truly committed to weight savings. Make it worse, and I will love it more.

The best thing about Britain is its onetime obsession with tiny two-seat roadsters. The MGB, the AC Cobra, any number of Triumphs — these all exemplify the peak of what that little island can offer the world. Of course, the best of those vehicles owes its greatness to an American engine, so you can argue that the best thing Britain gave the world is us.

True Cobras are rare and expensive, but replicas can replicate the experience well enough. You’ve got a tiny lightweight car with a giant V8 shoved beneath the hood — how different could it possibly be from an original?

Oh, hey, speaking of MGs, here’s one in an absolutely fantastic color. I’m of the opinion that more things in the world, as a whole, should be teal. I will settle on every car being made available in teal, as a compromise.

Where I can’t compromise, however, is the set of wheels this MG wears. This little guy needs 50 CCs of Minilites, stat. Make them bright silver, to fit with the bright paint.

Of course, America can make a tiny two-door of its own. We don’t even need eight massive cylinders to do it, we can manage just fine with four. So long as there’s a turbo. You cannot, under any circumstances, forget the turbo.

This Solstice, unfortunately, appears to forget the turbo. It’s okay, though — it’s a desirable targa model, so we can fudge the rest. Rip out the automatic gearbox and naturally aspirated engine, and throw a turbo K-series under the hood. Then, go make millions on YouTube documenting the process.

The old Grand Wagoneer is a damn fine vehicle. Nothing wrong with it, from a vehicle perspective. It looks good, hauls cargo, carries passengers from A to B. Standard vehicle stuff.

This Wagoneer, however, brings more to the table. It brings something particularly interesting: The brownest interior of any motor vehicle, ever. Look at the inside of this wagon and tell me it isn’t the most caramel-colored thing you ever did see. Outside of actual caramels, I guess.

Usually, when I’m including an old squared-off pickup in this list, the truck itself is dirt cheap and deserves its price. Rust, mismatched panels, engines that don’t work (if they’re even present) — I love me a shitbox. This Silverado, however, is different: It’s actually nice.

The tires look good, the undercarriage seems clean. The bed has some wear, sure, but we’re talking about a nearly 40-year-old truck here — once a work vehicle hits middle age, it’s allowed some battle scars. This one wears its few markings well, and earns its spot as one of the Dopest.

I have a hot take about early Mustangs, which is that the ‘69 model is actually the best-looking. It feels the most Shelby in its front end; it’s a touch more aggressive than the earlier models, but it still has the sort of longitudinal variety that later cars lack.

This Mustang claims to be an all-original numbers-matching car, which means you should absolutely rip out its slushbox and throw in a modern manual. Kill tradition, let modernity reign. The car will be better for it.

C’mon, I don’t need to sell you on this one. Sure, it costs more than the average new car, but it’s also a Unimog with a backhoe. You can tell me you’re not interested in that, and I can call you a liar or a coward. Possibly both.

The seller claims this Unimog has less than 8,000 miles and 1,000 hours. This implies an average speed of approximately eight miles per hour, which I think it exactly right for a Unimog. You don’t need to go any faster when you’re driving this.